I used to think my childhood was all on me, that I was the one responsible for it. My whole life I thought that I was behind the good and the bad, until now.
I became a dad 3 years ago and I came to realize that my childhood was not my responsibility. It was my parents.
So our childhood is the outcome of our Parent’s decisions?
Yes and No.
Let me explain.
When we’re babies, our parents make all the calls. They make all the big, small, important and inconsequential decisions in our lives.
Some people will have great parents (which these days is like winning the lottery, just read the news) and some will need to be protected from them (usually after the damage has been done and it’s on a course to repeat itself in the next generation mostly due to lack of attention and care).
Our parents to the best of their knowledge, experience, and cultural background will decide on our behalf:
- Should the ears be pierced for earrings because is a girl?
- Our baby has been crying a lot, should we give him painkillers?
- Should the boy be circumcised according to tradition?
- Should we upload all of the baby’s photos to Facebook?
Some time ago several cultures around the world would intentionally deform babies’ skulls for multiple reasons. Give them more social status, according to fashion, to honour their gods and many more.
In recent times, a lot of countries practice female genital mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. This sign of honour and purity is done to girls without a voice in the matter.
So, are our parents’ choices really theirs, or are they influenced by society and culture?
Yes!, even the best parents in the world can’t escape their beliefs, experiences and culture. They will be biased and influenced by their desires, aspirations and fears.
Once you are raised into a system is very hard and some cases almost impossible to see it as what it is. It becomes the way to be and how morality, principles and values are judged.
To wake up and question the system, requires exposure to other ideas.
It is a privilege to be exposed to different ideas. It is even more of a privilege to be able to compare and contrast and question the current ways:
- Wait a minute, why should we cut our babies?
- I know that this is something that has been done for hundreds of thousands of years but does that make sense?
- Why my baby’ likeness and photos should be on a platform that doesn’t respect their privacy? Or their well-being at all?
I have a quick story for you to illustrate this concept:
It is Thanksgiving day and all the women are cooking and preparing the food.
The youngest one asked her mom:
“-Mom, why we need to cut the Turkey in half?”
Mom replied with pride:
“- Because that is the recipe my darling. We have been doing this recipe since I was younger than you are and it always taste amazing. I want my family to have a great dinner with this amazing Turkey”.
The daughter was quite curious and asked again.
-‘I get it mom, but why we need to cut it in half?
Mom replied with a little frustrating time as she had to prepare a lot more of food, she quickly replied -“I don’t know, but ask grandma, she is the other room”
The daughter went to visit her Grandma and asked the same question.
Grandma replied with a more loving tone and said: “Great question, in all the years we have done this recipe I never once asked why we needed to cut the turkey in half, now I’m curious. Let’s ask my Mom. She is watching TV in the living room”
Both went to ask the Great Grandma the same question “Why do we need to cut the Turkey in half?”
Great Grandma smiled and answered:
“Back in the day, your great grandpa and I, we had very little, and our little apartment had a very little stove, so little that only half of a turkey could fit there. That is why the recipe asks only for half a Turkey”
The Great Grand Daughter quickly said
“My mom’s oven is quite large. So if the oven is bigger could we put the entire Turkey?”
The Great Grandma replied
“Of course!, who cooks half a Turkey anyway?”
I love that story. It has taught me that it is never the wrong time to ask the right question
So going back to our question, who is accountable for our childhood?
It’s a mix, a team effort.
We do own the consequences of our childhood and is our responsibility to deal with them and break any unintended generational legacy.
I do believe our parents in tandem with our culture and society will have the most influence on our upbringing. So it is like a lottery, where our privilege and in most cases, our future get defined by the pure fortune of being born on the right side of history, the right culture, the right parents, the right moment in their lifecycles, the right social status, etc.
Even with all of those factors being the right ones, there is always something that will lack or be in excess and that by itself will also impact our childhood and create trauma.
So in other words, Yes, we are all doomed to experience quite imperfect upbringings.
I believe one of our purposes in life is to assess what happened to us, identify hurts learn to deal with them and move on.
Once we conquer our demons then we are free to live life on our terms. If we do not, we are doomed to rinse and repeat the same pain cycles in the future and perpetuate that in the next generations.
It’s up to us to do the hard work and heal, so we can start living.
A great way to start this journey is to watch these movies:
- The Kid (2000, with Bruce Willis)
- The Adam project (2022, with Ryan Reynolds)
In the end, our childhood is a team effort. Embrace the flaws, question old ways, and heal. It’s the way to break free and create a better future for ourselves and the ones after us.